Whiskey Lullaby
by Jameson Rook
Summary: "He put that bottle to his head and pulled the trigger,  And finally drank away her memory.  Life is short, but this time it was bigger  Than the strength he had to get up off his knees." Warning; Character death, and suicide, as well as alcoholism.


_**Hello fandom. Here I am again. I must tell you all that I have been extremely blocked on "Russian Roulette" so for those of you who have been waiting for that, I am so sorry, it will be up soon I promise. That being said, this is a sad little oneshot that I've been pondering since I posted "One Last Time"**_

_** Disclaimer: Castle belongs to Andrew W. Marlowe and "Whiskey Lullaby" belongs to Brad Paisley and Allison Krause**_

_** A/N: My apologies to 4evercaskett. This is not the smut fic I promised you as a peace offering for writing "One Last Time", but that will be up soon I promise!**_

_** She put him out,**_

_** Like the burning end of a midnight cigarette.**_

_** She broke his heart,**_

_** He spent his whole life trying to forget.**_

_** We watched him drink his pain away, a little at a time,**_

_** But he never could get drunk enough to get her off his mind,**_

_** Until the night... **_

The wedding had been small. Their closest friends and family, just like she had always wanted. And she stood there, her tiny hands clasped in his larger ones. Kathrine Beckett and her 'one and done'.

Lanie, Jenny and Alexis were all clad in flowing, silk dress. They clutched bouqets of white roses and had baby's breath woven into their 'up-do' hair. Jim had walked his daughter down the aisle, beaming proudly, to the traditional wedding march. When he handed her off to her future husband he kissed her cheek gently.

"Your mother would be so proud, Katie." He had grinned, hugging her tightly to him.

"Thanks, Dad." She replied, tears welling behind her closed lids as she clutched her father. For a brief moment she felt like she was five years old, bouncing on his knee again. When the man in the finely pressed tuxedo took her hand and led her to stand in front of the preacher, a pair of scorching blue eyes followed her.

Josh smiled so fondly at Kate that it made Rick's stomach churn. He couldn't bare the thought of them spending the rest of their lives together. The preacher rambled on through the ceremony that Rick had heard twice before. But this time it was different. This time it was to bind the woman that he was so completely in love with that it made his heart beat a thousand times a minute, to the man that he despised with every fiber of his being.

"I now pronounce you 'man and wife', you may kiss your bride." The preacher smiled and Josh leaned in, placing a passionate kiss on Kate's lips. Rick watched the grin that spread across her face and felt bile rising in his throat.

By the time the happy couple had arrived at the reception, Rick had already downed a fifth of scotch. The sight of Josh twirling a laughing Kate around the dance floor in her wedding gown, his ring on her left hand, was a memory that he would made rather forget.

**He put that bottle to his head and pulled the trigger,**

** And finally drank away her memory.**

** Life is short, but this time it was bigger**

** Than the strength he had to get up off his knees.**

Esposito and Ryan watched as the man that once been 'thrill-master Richard Castle' turn into the shell of his former self. He wreaked of whiskey everytime he spoke to them, and his clothes always seemed rumpled, as if he had been sitting in one spot for quite a while.

They visited him weekly, trying to get him to play poker. Play Madden. Go to Yankee Stadium. Do something other than sitting on his couch, staring at the picture that they had taken at the precinct what seemed like an eternity ago. Since Alexis had gone off to college at Stanford, and Martha had moved in with her friend from Broadway he had the entire loft to putter around in all by himself.

But their 'bro', their Castle, was gone. They'd lost him the day that Kate Beckett had become Kate Davidson. And they both knew that he had past the point of no return. But they'd be damned if that was going to stop them from trying to save their best friend.

"Come on, bro. You've got to do something. We're bored. You didn't go and get old on us did you?" Esposito ribbed, nudging him with his shoulder. It was Friday night and the two had been trying to get him to go with them to the Old Haunt for the past half hour. Aggitation was clearly written all over his face.

"No. Javier, I'm not going." His voice was low, and warning. He didn't even sound like himself anymore.

"Kate is going." Ryan tried, hoping that the mention of his old partner would spark some interest. It had been four months since he'd last seen Kate. He hadn't set foot in the precinct since the wedding. In the first few weeks she'd called him quite a few times. He always let it go to voice mail. Her angry voice filled his ear everytime he listened to the message. It ranged from 'Call me, Castle. Now.' to 'Come on, Rick. Please call. I miss you.'.

If he was being honest he didn't want to see her so happy. Though he'd told himself since she'd gotten engaged that all he ever wanted was for her to be happy. Somehow he'd disillusioned himself into thinking that her 'one and done', her 'happy' would be with him. He was now realizing how far off base he actually was.

"I'm not going, guys. Please...just let it go." He watched them with dim eyes as they left. He sank back into the couch and tightened his fingers around the neck of the Jack Daniel's in his hand. The amber liquid burned all the way down. It was enough to numb the pain, but it wasn't enough to forget. It was never enough to forget.

**We found him with his face down in the pillow,**

** With a note that said, 'I'll love her 'til I die'.**

** And when we buried him beneath the willow,**

** The angels sang a Whiskey Lullaby.**

"Kate, we've got a case." Esposito's voice was low, almost as if he was restraining emotion. She looked at him wearily, quirking an eyebrow as if telling him to elaborate. He took a deep shaky breath and rattled off the address to her. Kate felt her heart drop to her feet, tears spring to her eyes, and her stomach turn over, all at exactly the same time. Kate began to shake as she looked into Esposito's eyes, begging him to tell her that it was just a coincidence. It was a big apartment complex, it could have been someone else. But he gave her a slight, jerky nod.

"Castle." She breathed, the word catching in her throat as she bolted towards the elevator and headed to the parking garage.

She pushed open the door to the loft cautiously. She had spent so many nights here, watching movies, eating dinner with the Castle family, simply _being_ with Rick. Now there was something different. Even in the air, there was much less frivolity, less playfulness.

She walked towards his office, the expansive room feeling as familiar to her as her own bedroom. She ran her gloved fingertips over the door lightly, inhaling his scent that was peppered through out the entire house. Her wedding ring caught on the door handle and she grimaced at the reminder of the biggest mistake of her life. She turned the handle and pushed the door open.

The scene in front of her rolled her stomach once again, causing her to swallow the bile that rose to the back of her throat.

His back was to her, his laptop perched on the desk in front of him. Even from the doorway she could see her name at the top of the letter that was in the open word document. If she didn't know any better she would have thought that he had fallen asleep at his desk. She took a few steps closer and circled around so she could see him better.

There was a hole about the size of a dime in the left side of his chest, blood pooling on the floor in front of him. She found it ironic that the shot that had killed him had been in his heart, and felt a fresh wave of guilt at the symbolism. She'd broken his heart. It had killed him. In his left hand, which was now resting in his lap, was a shimmering engagement ring with the word 'always' engraved into it. In his right hand was a Glock 9mm pistol.

She held back the tears that threatened to overwhelm her, though one escaped and slid down her cheek. She quickly wiped it away with her sleeve and moved to look at the letter that was taunting her from the screen of his Macbook.

_KB,_

_ Well, if you're reading this than I guess I finally mustered up the balls to go through with what I've been thinking about since the day I saw your husband slip that ring on your finger. I'm holding the engagment ring that I bought you while I was in the Hamptons that summer. You remember the one, right? I want you to have it. I bought it for you with every intention of asking you the day that I returned, but we both know how that situation turned out. It seems wrong for it to end up with anyone but you._

_ I want you to go on with your life, don't blame yourself for this. I am sure that you can still be happy. Tell Josh that I am sorry, and I didn't mean to try and muck things up for him. But, you know how I am. I've always been the one to screw a good thing up. I had so many oppourtunities to tell you that I wanted to be your 'one and done' but I guess that this is what fate had planned for me._

_ Hopefully my exit from the world was graceful. Tell Alexis that I love her. Tell her not to worry about me, I'll be waiting for her on the other side when she's much, much older. When she gets married I hope that she can be as happy as you are with Josh. And Esposito and Ryan, you've got to tell them that I am sorry. Thank them for trying to save me. They're great guys, and the best friends that I have ever had. _

_ I guess there's not much else for me to say other than I love you. Always have, always will. You're extraordinary, Kate. Don't let anyone ever tell you otherwise. I hope he understands exactly what he has. It's a shame you never found out who you never found in me. Good bye, KB._

_ All my love, Always. RC_

By the end of the letter she was no longer trying to contain the tears. They flowed down her face as she plucked the engagement ring out of his hand and turned it over a couple of times in her palm.

She didn't even jump when she felt Esposito pull her into a hug, her head pillowed against his solid chest. She sobbed, her tears soaking his dress shirt. She didn't notice when Lanie shuffled around them, a gasp catching in her throat when she saw him. She took a few deep breaths, trying to contain herself as she too scanned the letter.

"Oh, honey." She murmured, stroking Kate's hair. Suddenly, almost violently, Kate extracted herself from their hands. She pulled her holster from her belt, as well as her badge. Walking back into the living room she almost ran into Captain Montgomery, literally. He looked at her sympathetically when he noticed the tears in her eyes. She hand him the badge and gun, her hands shaking.

"I'm done, sir." Montgomery didn't protest, he simply hugged her and let her head home. Secretly he hopeed that once she had worked through this tragedy she'd be back.

**The rumors flew,**

** But no body knew how much she blamed herself.**

** For years and years,**

** She tried to hide the whiskey on her breath.**

** She finally drank her pain away, a little at a time,**

** But she never could get drunk enough to get him off her mind,**

** Until the night...**

The day they held the memorial service for Castle was one filled with tears and kind words. When they finally reached the cemetary it was raining. Kate couldn't help but find it slightly amusing that even mother nature seemed to be mourning the loss of the man.

She sat quietly by herself, Josh was supposed to have come with her but he was currently somewhere 35,000 feet above Afghanistan on a Doctors Without Borders mission. So, she was rocking herself back and forth slightly, wishing that she could hear Rick's laugh, see those warm blue eyes that never ceased to make her smile, or even just smell that scent that was a mixture of spicy cologne and expensive coffee. That smell that was simply Castle.

Once the rest of the funeral patrons had left, she found herself sitting in the cold, metal chair, staring at the polished cedar lid of his casket. There was a flag draped over the top of it. They had given him an officer's goodbye, because frankly anything less seemed inappropriate.

Kate sighed loudly before she glanced towards the willow trees that rustled lightly. Somewhere hidden amongst the drooping branches she saw his face. He was leaning against the trunk of the tree, his legs crossed and the ankles and his arms folded across his chest. He gave her that boyish grin that had always made her heart soar.

She stood quickly, running towards him, but she slowed when his figure started to disappear. He blew her a kiss, waved, and then he was gone. It was as though she had imagined the entire apparition. Kate hit her knees in the middle of the cemetary, threw her arms out to the side, and screamed. She screamed until her voice was gone, she screamed until her throat was so raw that she felt metallic blood slid down her throat into her stomach. She screamed until she was sure that there was no more emotion left inside her to expel (but if she was being honest with herself she knew that wasn't true. When it came to Castle the emotion was neverending.). Standing, she placed a small kiss to the lid of the casket, headed back to her cruiser, and sped towards her apartment where she knew that a bottle of vodka was waiting.

**She put that bottle to her head,**

** And pulled the trigger.**

** She finally drank away his memory.**

** Life is short, but this time it was bigger,**

** Than the strength she had to get up off her knees.**

** We found her with her face down in the pillow,**

** Clinging to his picture for dear life.**

Esposito and Ryan both felt there hearts breaking as they were forced watch another one of the people they loved most in the world fall into a downward spiral. Kate never left her apartment, she rarely ate, slept next to never and had filed for a divorce the day after they found him. Six months later the paperwork was finalized and she was officially Kate Beckett again.

She almost felt bad for leaving Josh so abruptly, but there was no other way for her to go about dealing with the death of the only man in the world that she truly loved. She wore the ring that he bought for her at all times, not even taking it off to shower for fear of losing it. She had already lost him, she'd be damned if she lost the last piece of him that she had left.

Well, the ring and the picture of the two of them that they had taken at the precinct. She had taken it from his loft when Alexis told her that he would want her to have it. He was sitting in her chair at the precinct Christmas party and she was perched in his lap. He had an impish glint in his eyes, and that trademark boyish grin as he dangled a piece of misletoe above their heads. She was laughing, but leaning towards him to kiss him anyway. They had both been unaware that Lanie had snapped the photo until the copy of it had popped up on her desk a week later.

The boys and Lanie visited once a week, cleaning up the bottles, trying to get her motivated. Trying to convince her to come back to the precinct. One week Kate even went about spouting nonsense, telling them that she couldn't believe he was gone.

"He promised me always." She had slurred, three sheets to the wind despite the fact that it was only ten in the morning. "He was supposed to be my hero. My knight in shining armor. I'm the damsel in distress that he's supposed to save."

"Honey, when have you _ever_ referred to Richard Castle as a hero? And since when did you become a damsel in distress? What happened to the fearless Kate Beckett I met ten years ago?" Lanie's voice blended in with the white noise that had filled her brain since she'd walked into that crime scene and seen him devoid of all the life he once had.

That was where she sat that night. She had empty bottles strewn about the house, loud music playing, and a silver pistol cradled in her hands. She lifted the barrel to her head slowly, her hands shaking slightly. She closed her eyes, muttered an apology to no one in particular, and pulled the trigger. The silence that followed was deafening, yet somehow it was still.

Ryan and Esposito were the ones that worked her case. They found the woman that they called a sister hunched over on her couch with a bullet hole in her temple, a half empty bottle of vodka on the table, a gun in one hand, and a photo of her and the man she loved clutched to her chest. They stood, staring at the scene in front of them and mused that they never even got to say goodbye. But they were still detectives. They still had work to do. Both of them could almost hear Beckett's voice echoing through the room telling them to get to work. Ryan was the first to break the unspoken reverance between them.

"Kathrine Beckett, single gun shot wound to the head. Self-inflicted."

**We laid her next to him beneath the willow,**

** And the angels sang a whiskey lullaby.**

The rain felt softly around the funeral service. Alexis almost laughed at similarities between this funeral service and the one they had held for her father. She stood, completely alone, staring at the two headstones that were appropriately placed directly beside each other.

Some movement out of the corner of her eye caused her to look up. Underneath a large willow tree she saw her father, her breath catching in her throat. He smiled broadly at her, warming her soul, and then he extended his hand to someone she couldn't see. Detective Beckett stepped out from behind the tree, laced her fingers with his, and kissed his cheek lightly.

'I love you, Lex. Be strong' A voice floated to her ears on the wind, and she closed her eyes, almost feeling the caress of her father's hand on her cheek. She watched the two of them walk into the distance, their forms disappearing as quickly as they had appeared. And then she smiled, somehow she knew that this was the perfect ending, exactly the way her dad would have written it. The hero and his damsel in distress riding off into the sunset.

_"Why love if losing hurts so much? I have no answers anymore; only the life I have lived. The pain now is part of the happiness then." -Anthony Hopkins_

**I'd be much obliged to hear what you guys think. I'm not sure about how this came out, but I felt it needed to be written. Keep in mind that it's one in the morning as I'm writing this, and all mistakes/horrible plots/horrific scenes/terribleness are mine and mine alone. Love you guys!**


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